 |
Essence "Emotional Nudity" blogger
Jai Stone tells it like it is. |
I give Jai Stone
props for sharing that back in her 20’s, she was the insecure type of woman
who didn't have much good to say about other women.
She wrote:"I remember looking at other ladies and making a
mental note of all their flaws so that I could give myself an emotional
high-five. Her teeth are crooked but mine are straight…one point for me. She
has a better figure, but my skin is smoother….two points for me. It was
extremely hard for me to give another woman a compliment because secretly I
felt that it took something from me."
Stone said this attitude came from having low
self-esteem.
“Women. Ugh. We have this insane need to validate ourselves by devaluing
others… I’m not ashamed to admit that I suffered from low self-esteem for many
years, and it has taken almost as many to learn to love myself from within
instead of depending on the opinions of others. Once I became less dependent on
outside validation, I found less need to compare myself to those women around
me.”
I run from women who do what Stone used to do. I’ve
gone out with women to kick it. And if they spend most of the night saying,
“Oooh, look what she got on.” Or, “Oh hell no, she need to…” That’s usually the
last time I hang out with them. Even in high school I distanced myself from girls
like that. Like Stone said it is an issue of self-esteem. When you got
it going on, and feel good about yourself, you don’t have time to criticize others. Ironically, in my experience I’ve found that these women
who like to talk mess, tend to sit in the corner at a party just talking mess. They
hardly get up to socialize because they probably don’t feel they have
nothing to offer. That's not always the case, but it's sad.
Envy or comparing yourself to someone else is
natural. Who doesn’t do it? I find when I do start comparing myself to others,
I need check in with myself. I ask myself, “Why am I feeling this way?” “What is this really about?” “If she’s
living her life or has something that I desire, how can I achieve something
similar for myself?”
Which goes back to the woman I told you about who
tried to pick a fight at the gas station. She was so angered, I feel, by what she
saw I had. But if she had a better attitude, I probably could’ve referred her
to resources that could’ve helped her. We need to do better with checking in with ourselves instead of acting on emotion.
Jai Stone said she kicked her Haterade habit by
complimenting women, being kinder to herself, and steering herself away from
negative people.
“Don’t let your confidence be tied up in the need
to be better than others rather than to be your best,” she wrote. AMEN AMEN AMEN Miss Stone!
What Stone wrote about just doesn’t pertain to
black women. White women do it too. As do Asian women, Latinas, etc. Insecure women come in all races. I’m a black
woman who hangs out mostly with black women. So I've seen black women putting down
others to validate themselves. I’ve been put down by other women who needed an
esteem boost. But that boost is only temporary. It doesn't fill your soul or make your life better in the long run.
With
many black women dealing with racism, sexism, classism, raising
kids alone, trying to protect their sons and daughters, poverty, health issues,
etc; it just seems that we could rise higher if we worked together and uplifted
each other.
As Iyanla said, we are out of order. It’s time for
us to get it together.
Comments
Post a Comment