Every year my sorority hosts an event to empower youth
called Youth Symposium. Chapters throughout the country do it. A local chapter
asked if I could fill in for a presenter who had to cancel. She was a doctor scheduled
to talk about sex and self-esteem. Most of the girls who attended were in
middle school. I invited a colleague who is an outstanding youth and does
mental health advocacy to co-present with me. My sorors asked us to just speak about self-esteem.
Well, when we got there, the girls were insistent that we
talk about sex too. It was hilarious. When I asked them to write questions
about self-esteem, they didn’t have many. But when I told them they could
include sex questions, WHEW those girls got to scribbling. I actually applaud
them for speaking up for what they wanted. I figured I could handle the sex
talk. I’ve written about
black sexuality, have presented on
sex and mental health, took classes on human sexuality and physiology, and I was in middle
school once. I got this. Right?
I’m preparing myself to answer questions like, “What is
ejaculation.” Or “When a woman gets pregnant why…?” What was I thinking? They
wanted to know, “How do you say no to sex?” “What’s the difference between a
booty call and when he wants you to come over?” “What does it mean when a woman
likes rough sex?” All of these questions led me to believe some of the girls
are probably sexually active. I wasn’t asking these kinds of questions until my
20’s, especially the one about rough sex.
Mind you, these aren’t high school students. They’re middle school
girls.
One student, who looked no older than 13, told me a guy was
pressuring her to have sex. She asked him, “Do you want to pay child support?”
She shut him down!
We answered their questions. And I didn’t judge because I
wanted them to be honest. My colleague and I encouraged them to ask whatever
they want because we’d rather them learn from us than the hard way.
Teen pregnancy is supposed to be down. But as the
CDC reports, teen pregnancy is highest about African-American and Latino youth. And the
girls we spoke to were black and brown. One girl asked, “Why do teens get
pregnant?” I answered there are multiple reasons: lack of access to birth
control, lack of education about sex and sexuality, esteem etc.
While teen pregnancy is low, pre-teens are having sex. And
sex means intercourse or oral sex.
We still spoke about self-esteem as well. If I knew they
were prepared to cause a revolt if sex wasn’t being discussed, I would have
been more prepared. I would have encouraged masturbation and talked more about
boys being accountable for their sexual behavior. So much is put on girls, but
we need to tell these horny little boys to keep their zippers up or get them a
bulk supply of lotion to take care of themselves.
Another thing I found just researching articles is that a
lot of youth don’t use protection when they have sex. I hope you’re talking to
your kids about sex. I imagine it’s not easy to think that your baby girl may
be having oral sex. Or your son is poking girls with his one-eyed monster. But
these kids are doing it! And if they’re not doing it, someone is trying to get
them to do it. Or it’s on their mind. To some degree they can’t help it. Listen
to the music, especially today’s hip hop. Most of the mainstream songs are
about money, clubs and “hoes.” And I still don’t get why rappers call girls
hoes when they sleep around with a lot of women. Doesn’t that make them hoes
too? I hear some of those
rappers sleep with men too. But I digress.
Another reason why some of our youth are turned on is the
internet. Remember back in the day how hard it was to get porn? The magazine
aisle in the bookstore or grocery store had them. But they were covered in
plastic and I believe you had to be a certain age to buy them. What young kid
wants to walk up to a CVS register with a Penthouse for everyone in line to
see? Another way was boys went through dad’s collection. That’s a lot of
sneaking. Now, kids can just look on their phones for porn and no one has to
know.
After our presentation I contacted my teenaged sister and
told her to ask me ANYTHING about sex. Just talk to your kids, educate them. It
makes a difference. My mom taught me about sex but I had aunts who made
themselves available to me when I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my mother.
Sex ed, having people to talk to and making school a priority kept my undies up
until college.
Talk to your kids. I’m telling you it makes a difference.
And don’t make them feel bad about having sexual feelings. I told the girls
that it’s okay to have sexual feelings. It’s natural. Sex feels good. Making
out feels good. Heavy petting feels good. But early pregnancy and STDs don’t.
And remind them, both girls and boys, that there is more to them than what’s
between their legs or what they can do with their mouth. Their value doesn’t lie
with their sexual abilities or willingness. They have so much more to offer the
world.
Here’s some info from Oprah.com about having the “sex talk”
with your children.
This is so true. My children are still really young( 9-8yrs ), but we've had discussions because I want them to feel comfortable with this information.
ReplyDeleteThat's great. I think when kids are more informed, they're less likely to make mistakes. When I was around 7 or 8 I used to stay up late on Saturday nights and watch Dr. Ruth. She had a talk show that came on after SNL in the Bay Area. I liked watching her because she was small and had a funny voice to me. Of course the show was about sex. So the next day, I would ask my mother all of these questions about sex. LOL But she didn't get mad. She answered my questions and asked me where I got this info from. I told her and didn't she forbid me from watching the show. I learned a lot from Dr. Ruth. Sometimes my mother says she did too good of a job raising me because I haven't given her grandchildren yet. :)
Delete